Finding Hashem

Some time ago I wrote a children’s book which has been sitting in a file on my computer. With everything that has happened in these past few weeks, I thought it was time pull it out and share with everyone. It is a very simple story but I think it speaks to a question that many people are asking right now: where is Hashem in all of this tragedy?

Simply put, Hashem is everywhere. Hashem is the light in this world. A light that is sometimes hard to see, sometimes nearly impossible to find, but He is always there. We may not always understand what happens in this world and why, but we must hold onto Hashem and trust Him. There is a greater picture, a fully realized canvas that we cannot understand or comprehend.

We must hold tight to Hashem during the good times and, more importantly, during the difficult times. We must stand with our homeland and embrace the people in Eretz Yisrael with whom we have a bond more powerful than blood. We are one people with one home and one G-d and we must always remember that Hashem is everywhere.

We have all tried to describe Hashem to ourselves but how do we describe Hashem to children? How do we explain Hashem’s presence in a simple, kid friendly way? This is my attempt to do just that:

Hashem is Everywhere

As Daniel walked home from synagogue with his father he asked, “Daddy, where’s Hashem?”

Daniel’s father answered, “Hashem is everywhere.”

“Is Hashem under that rock?”

“Yes.”

Daniel ran over to the rock and turned it upside down. “I don’t see Him! I just missed Him!”

Daniel’s father laughed.

Daniel continued walking with his father.

As they reached their house Daniel asked, “Daddy, is Hashem inside our house?”

Daniel’s father replied as he opened the door, “Yes.”

“I don’t see Him. Where is He?”

“Daniel, why don’t you look in the family room while I make us some lunch.” Before his father could finish his suggestion, Daniel began searching the room.

Daniel turned over all the cushions, crawled behind the couch, and peered behind the book cases. “I can’t find Him. I keep missing Him.”

Daniel stopped his search as he heard his father yell, “Come in and eat lunch. You can look later.”

Daniel bounced into the kitchen and sat down at the table.

After eating half of his sandwich Daniel asked, “Daddy, is Hashem in my sandwich?”

Daniel’s father laughed as he said, “Yes, Hashem is everywhere.”

Daniel paused and said with a smile, “He tastes good.”

Daniel and his father laughed as they finished their lunch.

“Can I start looking for Hashem again?”

“I think you should take a nap now. You can look again after that.”

Daniel yawned, “Looking for Hashem makes me sleepy.”

“You’re right. It takes a lot of time and energy. It can make you very sleepy.” Daniel slowly climbed the stairs with his father following him.

As Daniel got into bed he asked his father, “Daddy, can you check the closet for monsters?”

“There are no monsters in the closet, only Hashem.”

“Can I see?”

“You can’t see Hashem. He is everywhere at the same time.”

“Why can’t I see him?”

“Hashem is… invisible. He is always watching you and always protecting you.”

Daniel closed his eyes as he said, “Just like Mommy is always with me. Right?”

“Right. Just like Mommy.”

There’s an App for That!

We are constantly bombarded by new products and technologies that are designed to “help” us and make our lives easier. This endorsement overload seems to be making us prone to forgetting that sometimes it’s the simple things that make life easier.

All I have to do is look at my iPhone to be reminded of this fact. I have apps for Shabbat times, blessings, a kosher timer, Aliyah, Hebrew translation, Torah, Siddur, Tehillim, Tanya, and many others. You can see a recent list of other popular iPhone apps here. But, while all these apps are designed to make observance easier, I question whether they are actually helping in my spiritual growth or hindering it.

Having all of this information at our fingertips can make us intellectually and spiritually lazy. With apps reading for us and showing us only what we need to know, we fail to give the words, the brachos, the words of Hashem our own voice. We open the app and hang on by our fingertips as it launches us into recitation and binds us to its electronic pace.

This is only the latest incarnation in an electronic evolution that has led many to stray from their faith. Intellectual lethargy doesn’t let us ask why, doesn’t allow room for digging deeper, and doesn’t bring the Torah to life. There is not one answer for every question. There is only one fact that guides the debate… Torah is truth. Hashem gave us the Torah to guide us and gave us one another to keep us on the path that leads back to Hashem and His light.

It is our debate with one another, the questions we constantly ask, the searching for answers in Hashem’s words that elevates our souls. Technology can’t replace this process and it should not be applied in such a way. For the occasional reference or a quick translation, these apps and similar technology driven products are fine but they should not be a regular part of our lives. These things should not be a barrier or we run the risk of them replacing the relationship we have with Hashem and the relationships that we have with one another.  

However, technology can enhance our ability to reach out to one another and explore topics without the physical boundaries that geography places upon us. I embrace social media sites such as Twitter, Facebook, and LinkedIn because they allow me to discuss and debate Torah and Talmud with people from around the world. Given my limited knowledge, this is a great asset to my learning and can lead me to discover aspects of my faith that might have taken me years to come across.

The one catch to this new means of Torah exploration lies in the people that feel they need to declare rather than discuss. I am not talking about simple clarifications of Talmudic quotes. Most of the time, these declarations revolve around affiliation and conversion. I am talking about Jews declaring that their version of Judaism is the only right version and that everyone else’s view is “insane”, “ignorant”, or “barbaric”.

Now, in my experience, the most interesting part of this issue is that the most pointed barbs do not come from the Orthodox side but from the Conservative, Reform, and Reconstructionalist movements. The further to the left the more repugnant the accusation. I am not saying that their views are right or wrong, all I can do is state my own opinion as to what I believe to be true (as is obvious in my posts) and ask questions. I do not declare anything or call them despicable names. We are attacked by too many people from outside of Judaism; we don’t need to attack one another.

I can’t help but ask why these Jews would insist on attacking other Jews? Is it because that they fear what they don’t understand? Is it because they can’t come to terms with their own faith? Is it because that deep down they feel that what they believe really isn’t Judaism? I don’t know the answer to any of these questions and I am not going to try and attempt to answer them. I will not make any declarations. All I can do is give you my perspective and open up the discussion by asking some questions.

I Don’t Want to Be Homeless

I have been thinking about the conversion law being considered in Israel since we first decided to make aliyah in June and it has continued to eat away at me since. I remain optimistic that the Israeli Supreme Court ruling will hold but that fails to ease my fear. I am living in fear that my dream will be taken away from me and that the future that I was hoping to provide for my wife and our future children will disappear.

I can understand the need to oversee the conversion process as many such conversions in the US are lacking but many sincere converts have taken significant steps along the way to ensure that all the proper steps were taken. I have seen the extremes within the reform and conservative movements and can see, and to a certain extent agree, that some should not be recognized.  

However, if the convert is heartfelt in their devotion to Hashem and the Jewish people and is willing to shoulder the burdens that come with that I have no issue in welcoming them as a Jew. But, beyond the commandment of circumcision, the Beit Din, and the Mikvah, there are a few things that, I believe, converts should be required to agreed upon (some of which you have the right to disagree with):

1.      Acceptance of the Torah as the word of Hashem (I am a little lenient so divinely inspired is acceptable);  

2.      Acceptance the mitzvoth and the obligation to fulfill them and strive to do so throughout their life;

3.      Acceptance of the fact that learning never stops and they must strive to be closer to Hashem;

4.      Proclaim their willingness to join their fate with that of the Jewish people;

5.      Acknowledgement of Israel as the rightful home of the Jewish people;

6.      Pledge their willingness to defend Israel and its right to exist;

This is a simple, and incomplete, list but I think it is a decent overview and a reasonable starting point. With all this said, if you chose to make aliyah you should be held to a higher standard upon your acceptance into the Homeland (i.e. you shouldn’t walk around in a tank top and shorts every day, you must learn Hebrew and shouldn’t avoid speaking it by moving into an “Anglo” community, etc.) because one should show respect both for their people and their home.  

In the end, it is a give and take. Israel must adapt to the needs of Diaspora Jewry and those of us currently in the Diaspora must adapt to the needs of Israel and the Orthodox Rabbinate. We are one people with one home.

Hashem, please let us go home!

In the Beginning There was Rambling

In this first post I hope to offer a broad strokes background about myself and what I plan on writing about. As the title of my site suggests, it has been a long journey from goy to, future, oleh.

I was raised Presbyterian, shuttled off to Sunday school classes most weeks followed by church services. Just like most kids, I didn’t think about what I was doing, I just didn’t like getting up early on the weekends to sit in a classroom and a pew.

As I entered my teenage years I tried to embrace the faith that I was brought up in. I tried to believe in the things that were being taught. I even briefly turned to Catholicism for answers that eluded me in the Presbyterian Church. Without resolution I abandoned the Bible and explored eastern faiths as well as Native American spiritual belief systems. I began reading and exploring but I was never satisfied enough to practice any of them.

Lost, I took a step back and asked myself a simple question… is there anything from what you were taught growing up that you do believe?

At the time it was a simple assessment… I believe everything in the Bible until the New Testament. Too many things didn’t add up, didn’t sync. I was lost until the day I began writing about the Holocaust.

As odd as that sounds, it was when I began reading the diaries and studying the events around the Holocaust and writing about them that I began to find answers. It was the faith of the people and the deep understanding of who they were that resonated with me and satiated my longing.

It was at this point that I began my Jewish education. I first started reading and exploring in the comfort of my own home (and dorm room) looking for details and explanations to all the things that I felt and questions I had that had gone unanswered for nearly a decade.

I was fortunate at this time to have met my wife who supported my decision to pursue my faith even though she wasn’t as fervent in her views as I was quickly becoming… she was raised Reform while I lean heavily toward the Orthodox side of things. In the end, we met in the middle: Conservadox.

With some basic knowledge and a lot of support (even my Grandmother was all for it) I found a Rabbi to sponsor my conversion and a shul that was willing to take me in, Congregation Or Shalom.

Over the course of 10 months I went to conversion class on Wednesday nights and attended Graduate classes at Rosemont College on Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday night while working during the day. It was a trying schedule but by June of 2008 I had received my MFA as well as gotten snipped, questioned by a bet din, immersed in a mikveh, and cast my lot.

Later in the summer I decided to take a job in Manhattan and moved from the Philadelphia suburbs to a small apartment in the Ocean Parkway section in Brooklyn. That was an experience that not only allowed me to live in a different kind of environment but also expand my Jewish education by simply talking to my observant neighbors and Hasidim on the F train.

In June of 2009, my wife and I were finally married after being engaged for two and a half years. We had a wonderful wedding that, in my completely unbiased opinion, is the best wedding I have ever attended. What followed our wedding had profoundly altered the course of our life. When our plane kissed the holy ground at Ben Gurion International Airport, we were home. It is a feeling that is difficult to articulate. It is much more than returning to the house you grew up in. It is the feeling of being embraced by generations of longing and desire… a fulfillment of our prayerful declaration “Next year in Jerusalem.”

In the most basic terms, the feeling is like returning to the place of every happy place and time in your life at the same time.

In the eight days that followed, we lived without the weight that life places on you. During those eight days, we lived our faith, we lived with pride, and we felt like we belonged. Leaving left us on the verge of tears and, at that moment, we promised one another that we would return.

Throughout the rest of the year we made a few changes (i.e. moved to New Jersey and other minor things) as the longing memories became more and more intense. Eventually, we started having discussions about moving to Israel. What started as plans to go back every year or every other year quickly evolved into discussions of moving there someday, maybe after we retire. It finally got to the point that I asked myself, what would it take to make aliyah? The question lingered for a few weeks when finally the need for answers took over.

Both The Jewish Agency and Nefesh B’Nefesh websites answered many of the questions and representatives (via phone, email, and social media) answered the rest of them. I knew the time to move was now but I had to let my wife get there on her own so I presented her with the answers and information I collected and let her process.

The final decision wasn’t made until we attended The Jewish Agency’s Israel Planning Expo in mid town Manhattan on June 13, 2010. While learning about the ins and outs about employment opportunities, ulpan, the first home in the homeland program, taxes, shipping, aliyah benefits, healthcare, and cultural differences we became more and more excited about the opportunity of returning home. By the end of the day we decided that this is what we want to do, this was what was meant to be, this would be the best thing for us and our future family. So, we sat down with our Shlichat, completed our interview, and outlined the application process and the paper work that we need to pull together in order to make aliyah in the summer of 2011.  

With our decision made, it was time to tell the parents. We took a couple of month to brace ourselves and in September we told them. They had reservations about us going to Israel on our honeymoon (we were the first ones from each of our families to visit Israel) and now we were going to tell them that we were going to move there. Well, for the most part, things went smoothly… a lot of expected questions, surprise, happiness, worry, and a few freak out moments.

That is where we are at this point. Our family and friends know about our plans and support our decision and we are pulling together our application and documents. As we make our way through the process and grow in our knowledge and observance, I will open things up to discussion by posting my thoughts on this blog.

If you have any questions or comments please feel free to post them below and I will do my best to address them.